i was just told my cousin died in a motorcycle accident i don't know how but.....jesus man...what did i do? did i do something wrong?!?!?!
did..i say something wrong?
my lover left me and took my heart with him
my mom is becoming more mean by the days
i hate my sister no more love just blunt hate
kyle doesn't love me back
my sanity is disinagrating
what am i going to do?!!?!? i'm stuck I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!
I TRY TO DO GOOD AND THEN GET FUCKED
FUCKING SCREWED OVER
ALL THE TIME
but the worst part of it all is that i can't do anyhting about it
i feel like a deer in headlights i can't move and just waiting for the inevidable
~sigh~ ....i just don't know what to do?
its times like this i wish there was somewhere i could go to get away from all this hell and just find a sanctuary of my own to curl up in every once in a while but i share a room with my sister and i have to babysit all the time so i'm constantly surrounded by crying screaming babys
but what can i do about it?
i just have to sit back and watch them griddle my teeth
i know i sound like a broken record but...i miss him
everything reminds me of him...i had a dream about him last night
i had a dream that me and this really pretty girl with a lind fold on was in this room together talking about relationships when Mike came in and tried to get me
so i ran around the house i was in until i reached the room again with the girl and she held the door so mike couldn't get in and i tried to open a window and when i opened it i ran grabbing the girls hand hearing mike yelling at me made me cry and then i woke up
to nasty diapers and stupid sisters
what a life huh?
but yea so i'm pretty depressed today ;_; i'll get over him eventually
ARIELS CURRENT STATUS
self esteem- 0%
faith in god- 0%
faith in me- -1000000000000000000000
patience for every family member excluding Aiden (my baby brother)- so large of a number it couldn't be put here
oh god....i never realized how deeply in love with him i truly am....
i almost took him back
i almost did...
thank god for music.....
oh god...that was the hardest thing i've ever had to i mean...god he tried so freaking hard to take me back he said all this shit and....omg the only reason i wasn't crying was because my sister was there and i wanted to be strong in front of her but...i'm not strong i'm weak and lonely
he tried so hard...he told me how much he loved me and denied the whole thing....
only one person who wasn't related to me make me cry like i just did i thought he was just a crush but....shit dude...i did not excpect that
i mean i had a wierd thing happen to me today that was excrutiatingly akward >>
and i didn't realize i was doing it
i was in the bathroom (keep in mind that i have NO self esteem) looking at myself wondering if i can get any uglier when i run my nails up my stomach watching my pale skin glow red
'wtf? why did i do that...it feels...good'
i almost felt releaved when i watched my skin glow red
so i did it again except on my arms
then my legs
then my stomach again
then my back
i started crying and then laid down on the ground in a ball
'why the hell am i doing this?'
i felt so violated and unwanted at that time i mean...after me being in doubt with mike i've been really wierd lately
like i've been pushing everyone away and wanting to be alone and just wanting be be...asleep i mean sleeping kicks ass no one yelling at you (unless your having a nightmare)and everyone loves you or hates yu or its just all black.
but 2 people have been trying to crack my shell and i love them to death
thank god chelsea and Xavier are there for me
but what bothers me is that Xavier likes me so its kind fo akward when i tell him i'm upset
the same with kyle so i only tll them my surface problems but its so damn deeper
chelsea i haven't talk'd to in forever which makes me sad... ;_;
not to mention the fact that i have been crying spontaniousley for the past 4 days.
i mean i feel like all my problems that i have been ignoring are falling on top of me all at once and i can't fucking breathe
i'm sure this wil pass though ^__^ i sure hope it does
alright i am so freakn sad right know...i can't even see straight
Mike you know the wonderfull pervert
the loveable idiot
i just found out he was just going to use me
and my friend told me this
he said that they were talking and mike said 'i could fuck every girl in this school'
and of course Ryan goes 'eww dude you want 2 fuck a 6th grader?!'
'no dumbass i mean the 8th graders'
'and there all going to Riverview next year'
i loved him
I WAS GOING TO GO BEHIND MY FRIENDS BACK AND NOT TO MENTION MY PARENTS JUST TO BE WITH HIM!!!! I FUCKING GAVE MY EVERYTHING TO HIM
WHATS HE DO WITH IT!?!??
FUCKING SHREDS IT INTO PEICES
i really loved him
he made me feel wanted and loved
like i mattered
and what does he do!?
i really loved him damnit i mean jesus christ he said he would make me stop hurting myself and that he would make me smile again not the fake smiles i pass out to everyone
he could see right through me
he made me tremble
he made me laugh
and know he makes me cry
i should have known better then to trust him after his past relationships i should have just not thought he would change
i'm an idiot
i mean....thats just so...so wrong
how could he do that?!?!
Kyle said he'd kick his ass for me but i said not to
i cried for like ever
Since mike made me feel so great about myself know that he's gone...
i feel gross ugly unwanted
i can't even look in the mirror without wanting to break it because of the grotesc image i preseeve
i just want to break it with my fist and feel the pain of the glass
god...i've never felt so damn unhappy
i'm such a fool to think that he'd change i'm a fucking fool
your so predictable mike your so godamn predictable
i'm done with this shit i'm not gonna fall in love anymore
everytime i try to fall in love they all want to know why i'm so broken why am i scared what am i afraid of i don't even know i tried so hard to figure it out but it all came crashing down i've been dreaming that you would come back but your never coming back....
i can't see that goofy smile or that stupid mohawk that you have ever again because i know that if i do i'll just cry because i can never have it or call it my own.
but beggers can't be chooser's i suppose
welp..on a somewhat lighter note i think my dad is trying to sneek alchol behind my back
nope that wasn't lighter at all
TODAY F****** SUCKS
i'm just going to cry it out hopefull then the pain will go away